Post nº53: Slacker Blogger

When I started this blog, I was kind of sure I would find it easy to write something whenever I wanted. Well, now I see that’s not that simple.

I think I’ve become a slacker blogger. I didn’t even worry about it when I started, but now for some reason it matters to me. Not how many likes or new followers or comments I get, but the frequence of my posts. Suddenly the blog is like a child I’ve started neglecting. And it’s not like nothing has been happening lately, I just have no idea of what to write.

It’s been quite tough lately, with my friends fighting, the college getting dull and without my therapy (it’s been more than a month since my last session). It’s gonna start again next week, but I surely missed it.

In some ways, I think this month was productive: I managed to get through a lot of things without freaking out, like my ex, who I kind of still like, fucking a guy I started flirting with, twice.And yeah, that’s after he said we had become “good friends”. And even though I realy feel like dropping college, I didn’t.

Still, I can’t say it didn’t have it’s problems: my performance dropped a lot in the college, and I couldn’t create anything interesting, like a text or a painting. It may sound silly, but the art is really important to me, it’s my best therapy.

I’m doing my efforts to try and get back into blogging, since it has become something so meaningful to me. I hope I can get back with some interesting stuff next post.

And thanks for anyone who reads this, don’t get me wrong with what I say: it’s not that you’re not important, whenever I see that someone liked my posts I love it, but it’s just… well, the truth. Getting many views never was my goal, so… I won’t lie about it.

Post nº50: I’ll Never Learn – And More Ramblings

René Descartes once said: ” The senses deceive from time to time, and it is prudent never to trust wholly those who have deceived us even once”.

I think I’ll never learn that. I can see many other falls coming in my future.

Oh, well, what can I do besides gettin up again?

I wonder if I’m just too naïve… or too brave.

I have to say, brave is scary, so I’d rather be naïve. Better, ignorant. Ignorance is bliss.

(Oh, look at that. Is that realy what I believe in? I do agree with Descartes, but the rest, what I wrote… I better get some sleep. Got a test tomorow)

Post nº46: Tell Me About Yourself

Some hours ago, I found out I was nominated for the “Tell Me About Yourself Award” by Cate from Infinite Sadness… or what? . It was quite a surprise, and kind of made my day, I have to say.

I started this blog a year ago, still haven’t got much traffic, so it’s really a honor. Specially because I’ve been following Cate’s blog since I discovered it too.

So, acording to the rules of the award, it seems it works like this:

First, I thank and link to the blog of the person that nominated you before you start.

Then, tell the world  7 things I think that might be interesting about me.

Then, I should add my 7 nominees.

Well, I got 2 problems here by accepting this award:

1. The only blog I follow is from the person that nominated me, so that brings my list of nominees to 3.

2. I think I might have told most of the interesting things about me in my About page.

Well, I loved it and I realy like Cate’s blog, so just for linking her’s in mine I’ll give it a try.

So, I might repeat some things from my About page, but I’ll try to tell more than I do there.

So here I go. At first glance it seems like a list of things I love, but it’s more than that.

This is the last thing I made, used watercolor and black ink pen. It was in a rush, but I liked it. I have more published in my blog.

1. I love art. I like drawing, painting, folding, these kind of things. I also believe it’s really therapeutic, and since I’m kind of depressive, my art is usually kind… gnarled and depressive too. I’ve been told I had talent on it since I was a kid, but never develop this, mostly because of my family’s pressure for doing something that would make me earn more money, like Medicine or Law… I don’t blame my parents, though, they had a really rough childhood (specially my father, who had to endure even hunger). But I’m always scribbling something, as long I have a piece of paper near me, can be words or drawings.

2. When I was a kid, I loved to run away. I was really young, so I don’t remember all the times I did it. My family says that when I ran away from home (because I would run from school too) I usually was found near the city’s cemetery. We lived in a small city in the countryside until I was 7, so nothing really happened to me, and I was really easy to find, since everybody knew everybody there.

3. I love food. I love cooking, but what I love the most of it is eating. I kind of eat like a pig, still I’m kinda thin. My friends say I have a “hollow leg”, since the food must go somewhere… Oh, well, spices and different things, I love to try then, specially in travels, as long it doesn’t have seafood in it (it makes me sick).

4. I’ve been to college a few times already, even though I’m just 21. I studied Law for 4 months and Biology for 2 weeks (that explains it). I’ve also applied for Medicine, International Relationships, Cinema (passed but didn’t go because I passed in Psychology right after), Arts (I panicked in the practical test, didn’t pass… hope that’s the reason…), and Psychology, wich I’ve been studing since last year. I never really knew what I wanted to do, but I think I found myself in Psychology. It might sound ironic, a depressive being a psychologist, but my theraphist say’s I’m strangely good at it, and I think I’ll be fine untill I graduate. The “strangely” is my addition.

5. I want to have as many kids as I can raise. That’s why I wish I won the lottery or something, so I could raise a bunch of kids confortably with loads of time to spend with then. I want to have at least 2, but only if I can provide a good life for then.

6. I love water. Bathing, swimming, drinking it, I have no idea why, but just touching it already pleases me. So rivers, lakes, fountains, I love it all… but, when it comes to the beach, I hate it. Don’t know why, but I hate everything in a beach: be it of sand or stones, just hate it. Funny thing is that diving and swimming in the sea away from the beach is just awesome. Don’t know what my problem with the beach is, but it’s the only way to make me hate water. Unless it’s poluted, of course.

7. When I drink alcohool, and I shouldn’t, but I do, I become an evil crazy dancing bitch. Even though I don’t know how to dance. It doesn’t go well with my medication, and I kind of end up drinking too much, but when I go out is really hard to hold back. I just don’t go out then. I realy fear getting any kind of drug addiction, specialy because I want to have kids, and depressive people are kind of more vulnerable.

Oh, well, I think that does it. Now, for the nominees, I’m sorry if I’m breaking the rules, but I don’t really want to put just anyone here. Not that I think it would make a great difference for them, but I realy don’t think it’s the point of this to find ramdom people to throw here. So I searched for the blogs I had liked and commented before, and since Cate’s already mentioned, they’re just 3:

Lea & Jay (http://leaandjay.wordpress.com/) – my wildest dreams are to try all those food, specialy the Nutella, Double Chocolate & Banana Tart.

I love photography and traveling, and because of that these two caught my attention:

Charlotte Hu Photography (http://charlottehu.wordpress.com/)

Duane Pandorf (http://blog.duanepandorf.com/)

Post nº45: Stronger Than Me

I’m trying so hard to be someone stronger. Stronger than me.

When the depressive thoughts start getting me, I try my best to get up. Give my best. Be stronger. Sound stronger.

But at the moment I think I just can’t. I’m sure I’ll manage to get through some things, but there are others I just can’t.

I’m thinking of accepting them. I can’t ignore, pretend anymore. I just need to accept I won’t be getting right so soon.

All I want I just can’t get. For now, I’ll just stay alone.

I’m not giving up. I’m just giving in to this truth. I just can’t ignore it anymore. It’s become a part of me. And for now, it’s stronger than me.

I just wish… And can only wish…

Post nº41: Drastic Measures

I had to delete my last post because of something that happened friday.

I went out with my friend and my ex. Everything was fine, it was a great night, nice party, I was having lots of fun with my ex, just as friends. we danced, I tried to introduce him to a guy and even help him with some others, we talked, etc. We went to sleep at his house, since it was close to the party, I went to sleep on the couch, he with my friend on his bed, everything fine and perfect. Finally, we were just good friends and it was lots of fun. Things were great and I didn’t want to lose that.

Well, until this part I think things were according to my last post. But there’s more.

And then I started thinking… I should have know that I should have stoped there, because EVERYTIME I start thinking I find a problem, and, well, it wasn’t different this time, but I think that would come up eventually: I still like him. A lot. And that could fuck everything.

How to deal with that? Oh, well, I started making a new kind of treatment sometime ago, with hypnosis, and when I started, my doctor said he could help me getting rid of my feelings for my ex, something he called a “emotional divorce”. It made me think of that movie, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, but instead of erasing memories, it just diminishes my feelings for him until they’re so weak that they’ll die by thenselves. At first I said no, because I wanted to have control over my feelings, and my pride didn’t allow me to take such measures to get through someone, and I felt I was getting better anyway.

Well, I was right, I am getting better by myself, but it’s being so slow and painful, I’m tired of it. And now we’re getting closer again, it’s even worse, but at the same time I just can’t stay away anymore. So I decided to swollow my pride and do it. This monday, I’ll get rid of the strongest and most beautiful feeling I ever had. It’s like cutting off a hand just because the person I want it to hold it won’t anymore. But there’s no reason to keep it there if it won’t be held again, ever. And I have another hand. So I think I’ll be ok. Anyway, this pain of ripping this out of my chest won’t be there anymore after it’s taken off, so I just have to wait. Soon, now, I’ll be free, even though I don’t want to.

I know he really likes me, just as friends, and that he really want me to be his friend. I believe he’ll be a better friend than a boyfriend, so someday I’ll be fine with it. Well, at least I hope so.

Post nº 39: Valentine’s Day Crap

I’m tired of this valentine’s day crap, it gave me insomnia.

Even though today it doesn’t have the same meaning in my country (our equivalent would be in june 12), the internet has made me the favour of making me feel like it is. Anyway, today couldn’t be a worse day for what happened.

I went, very single and fine with it, to a bar with my friends, when my ex called my friend saying he was feeling bad and needed her to go to his house to help him. She was about to leave when he called again, saying she didn’t have to go, because he was going to the hospital alone. Then he called AGAIN, and said that instead of going to the hospital, he was going to the pub we were in. He got there laughing and happy, but I didn’t give a shit. A few minutes latter, he left (By the way, I got together with a nice guy after that, so I didn’t pass the ocassion alone). But my ex did go to the hospital after going there, so I got a bit worried.

I found out I’m fine with him being there, or talking to him, but if I get to know he’s not well, I still get worried.

Still, I guess I could have gone through the experience very well, if it wasn’t valentine’s day.

Crap.

Post n°38: Oh, crappy poems again…

The laughter of a crying heart

The reconstruction of a world that fell apart

The recovery of deep scars

The truth breaking all the lies

A very pleasant agony

An unremarkable piece of poetry

A shimmer of light

The first flap of wings that never flied

And here am I

Breaking the stone that sealed my heart

Removing the sword that tore it apart

Alive

Again

Am I?

Post nº37: The People Who Love

The people you love.

The people who love themselves.

The people who loves others.

The people who love you.

Love and people, people who love, people who can’t love, and who can but don’t.

Love is such a common word, yet so powerful. Can you say it? To the person beside you? Above that, can you mean it?

What we say we want is different from what we realy want… and what we realy need.

You say you want someone you love.

But you end up wanting someone who loves only itself.

And what you realy need is to love someone who loves you.

But can you love? And if you can, do you love?

Love is for the strong. It’s hard, it takes time, it’s never perfect. Love is for the strong.

 

 

 

 

Post nº34: Under The Tree

The morning dew dropped on his face and he woke up.
He had slept on the street again, and for some strange reason, that gave him a wild feeling of being alive.
He was under a big tree, the cold air seemed to press his lungs, and he couldn’t feel his feet. But it didn’t matter.
Well, actualy it did, but for the better. The slow freezing of his body was the perfec analogy for his feelings,
dieing slowly, in an unstopable, irreversible way. And he knew that after it was frozen, it would fall off, and never bother
him again. That strangely made the risk of losing both feet wildly desireable. His face distorted into a maniac grim smile and them
he noticed how crazy he was being. That unexpected hit of reality made him get desperate, and he started looking for help,
unable to open his mouth to do so, for some weird reason. He then decided to try and warm up his feet. When he started to
feel then again, they started to hurt like never before. He hated the pain and wished for a second he didn’t have to go trough
it. But then he realised that it would pass eventually. And he would then be painless, and with both feet.

Sometimes we can avoid the pain, but that just mutilates us. Facing it makes us stronger.

Post nº 33: A Moment of Madness

Sometimes I could explode.
I do not want to have a face.
Let me shout and dance in your room.
Remember all that was not said.
Make me forget the mistakes that were made.
We were the kings and queens of our universe.
Now we are the lost generation.
A moment of madness can ensure your sanity.
Practice it only if necessary.